True story: In June of 2007, the then 32-year-old Brian Christopher Thomas walked into Henry Hudson’s Pub in Oklahoma City. He soon found himself the object of some trash talk by the 53-year-old Allen Michael Beckett.
What got Mr. Beckett so worked up that he would ridicule a stranger? Well, seems Mr. Thomas had the audacity to wear a Texas Longhorns t-shirt in the middle of Oklahoma Sooner country.
So when Mr. Thomas got up to pay his tab and leave, Mr. Beckett did the only sensible thing he could. He literally grabbed the younger man by the balls, yanked him to the ground, and wouldn’t let go.
When he finally got free Mr. Thomas could, in the words of his attorney, “see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body,” additionally, “he was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse.”
Now, right about there, we tend to doubt this story. Two reasons: One, we don’t know anyone whose testicles are up inside their body; but more importantly, two, there is no way on God’s green and blue Earth that Mr. Thomas was wearing white shorts.
Given the context, that guy obviously wears nothing but jorts.
But let’s not quibble over minor flaws in the narrative. The crucial detail here is that neither Mr. Thomas or Mr. Beckett ever even attended the University of Texas or the University of Oklahoma respectively.
That we totally believe, because White Trash People love colleges they didn’t go to.
Having an irrational devotion to something they were never a part of is actually a brilliant strategy. You never have have to deal with burdensome things such as tuition, class, tests, education, or the ability to lead some sort of self-reflective life, yet you still get to participate in all the joy that comes from celebrating sports victories.
Woo! Touchdown! Fuck yes! High-five me and let’s shotgun another beer.
The only rub is that, the lower the probability you attended the particular college of your affection, the greater the gesture you need to make to show your pride.
An Arkansas Razorbacks bumper sticker just won’t cut it. Your car horn needs to play “Woo Pig Sooey.”
Going to Gainesville for the game? You need to cut a “UF” in the side of your mullet or you’re not really a fan. And if you didn’t even graduate high school, you’re going to need some blue and orange body paint to compensate.
Is it Iron Bowl weekend? Then downing a 12-pack of Schaefer on the road trip to Jordan-Hare Stadium ain’t going to get it done. Best put back a full case just so those guys from Auburn know exactly what kind of uppity pricks they really are. Plus, you’re that much closer to passing out in the parking lot.
No loss. It’s not like you had a ticket to the game. Roll Tide!
I went to Ohio State and worked in the surrounding area for about 4 years. I meet a lot of people with Ohio State tattoos that did not attend any college whatsoever.
truer words…never spoken.
lol so many people who rep UT and aTm over here and go to like a neighboring community college
This was hilarious! If you’re not from Alabama and move here for some reason, the first question EVERYONE asks is “Auburn or Alabama?” If you fail to choose, you are a complete outcast.
Well, Matt? Which is it?
DUDE… Amazingly on the money. My buddy and I have been saying this for years. I’m from Indiana where everyone here is an IU basketball fan but very few actually attended… Dead on the money.
This is so true. I remember hanging out pool side with to German girls in Florida when a drunkin guy kept going around the pool and telling everyone that Tide was goining to take national championship that year. The girls were impressed with his school spirit and I had a difficult time explaining to them the fact that this wasn’t a college student. I used to make big bucks selling my student ticket at FSU and Bama to these people. Hell I was too busy laying by the pool to ever watch the game on saturday’s.
I’ll be a die hard Arkansas fan till the day I die.
I’ll be a die hard Memphis fan till the day I die.
I’ll never go to the University of Arkansas.
I’ll never go to the University of Memphis.
But they both have my loyalties.
:D I love being the White Trash that this talks about.
It’s all too true!
Always wondered about this, many of the people I see wearing Ohio State crap most certainly have not set foot in a classroom since 8th grade. WVU people are the same way, I have been laughing about this for years! Great one :)
You forgot to mention that you can love any college you want but since you never went there you don’t have to worry about the alumni association sending you letters asking for money.
It’s dumb, but not any more so than obsession with professional sports teams. The reason ‘white trash’ support college sports teams is because they live out in the middle of nowhere away from cities large enough to support pro teams.
I wish LA would get a new pro team so all the losers could go to those rather than SC games. SC football is obnoxious enough without a cheering section of ex-Raider Fans.