Puberty for White Trash People means two things.
First, it means you get to cut your rat tail.
Second, if you’re a guy, you can start growing a ’stache. If you’re a girl it means you get the curse, but that’s not as cool as growing a ’stache. Unless you’re a really large girl with dark hair and bad hygiene, then you can also grow a ’stache.
But White Trash People love to grow mustaches.
Why? Who the fuck knows? But the three most important icons in White Trash lore—Dale Earnhardt, Jeff Foxworthy, and Jesus—were all sporting mustaches, so you should too.
And it’s not enough to grow one. You better be working on one by your fourteenth birthday. If you somehow make it to your first driver’s license picture and you ain’t rockin’ nothing on your upper lip, you might as well not even apply to trade school because you’ve already lost at life. Well, lost more than you would have otherwise.
But a mustache on the lip at puberty isn’t just a way to avoid spending money on razor blades. Absent any sort of ambition or coherent decision-making faculties, a White Trash Person’s ’stache is really about determining the very course of his (or her) life.
If the ’stache comes in thin and stays thin, you’re likely headed for a career as a meth dealer or perhaps a sexual predator with a likely specialization in child molestation. If, however, it keeps growing to Seventies porn thickness, then you might just find yourself in an Alabama cover band by the time you hit 30. That would be totally sweet.
Something in between? The possibilities truly boggle the mind as you could end up anything from a car mechanic to a foreign car mechanic.
So it looks like shit, who cares? To White Trash People, a mustache is not just some hair growing on their upper lip, it’s their identity and their destiny.
