When you think about it eating is pretty fucking patriotic.
Follow us here: The more we eat, the more farmers we need to raise more cows and chickens, and the more corn and rendered animal parts we need to feed those cows and chickens.
But it ain’t just farming. Generally, the more we eat, the bigger we get. And the bigger we get, the more healthcare we need for diabetes, which means more work for doctors and insulin manufacturers. Plus-size clothing requires more fabric. Rolls of back fat need more soap to clean them. Debilitating orthopedic injuries from a body’s inability to carry its own mass mean more Rascal Mobility Scooters just to get around. Almost every sector of the economy is helped out by eating—nay, overeating.
All that consumption, it just drives economic growth. And economic growth is what makes America great. Well, that and country music, but you can’t eat that.
But it isn’t just consumption.
Too fat to get out of bed? We invented Lipitor. Too fat to keep your immune system from suppressing another herpes outbreak? There’s Zovarax. See, being the fattest country on the planet doesn’t just drive our economy, it drives the very innovation that drives the economy.
Since eating is patriotic, that means an All U Can Eat Buffet might as well be called an All U Can Love America Buffet. Think about it. You know who is skinny? Europeans. And those people are fags. And Communists. (Really, skinny people, why do you hate America so much?).
So when a White Trash Person plops down $6.99 a head ($1.99 for children under 12) and proceeds to consume over 5000 calories in one sitting, he (or she) isn’t just wisely taking care of tomorrow’s food needs while taking care of todays, he’s doing something more important than voting.
Don’t believe it? If voting were really so important, do you think they would let everyone do it?
Of course not. So eat all U can and defend this country and everything it stands for, even if it needs crutches to stand because it can no longer support its own weight with its frame.
Dude, you keep hitting the nail on the head! Greatness! When is the WalMart post; I greatly anticipate it.
[...] 7, 2008 · No Comments I should be all indignant and talk about how this post is so awful towards fat people and it hurts the cause of size acceptance and nobody should read it and blah blah blah . . [...]