#22: Theme Parks

Everyone loves entertainment. But NASCAR races only happen on Sundays. That leaves six other days White Trash People need to fill in order to amuse themselves.

That’s why Memorial Day is such a Godsend, because once it rolls around that means theme parks start opening for the Summer season. And White Trash People love theme parks.

There are four reasons for this.

First, riding roller coasters with names like the Pulverator, the Deathasaurus and Das Murderbahn gives parkgoers the full miserable experience of vomiting without any euphoria that comes from ingesting alcohol or drugs.

Second, people like being around their own kind. Sure, elitist college professor types like to preach the virtues of multiculturalism; but if diversity is such a great idea then why is everyone trying to kill the Kurds?

Being amongst your own is so awesome that humans invented Balkanization just so they could do it on the largest scale possible. And when a White Trash Person goes to an amusement park it’s jhorts and mullets as far as the eye can see. That’s the kind of comfort that you can only get in a place so large they have to fly six flags over it.

Hell, one of them is even the original Confederate Flag. No wonder White Trash People flock to theme parks. That thing is like their very own Bat Sign.

Third, at a theme park a White Trash Boy can get his White Trash Girlfriend a t-shirt that says, “I’m With Stupid” and has a finger on it pointing to the side where he is presumably walking. And she can get him one with a finger sticking straight up that just says “Stupid.” Those things are hilarious. They are even better than the leashes that make it look like you are walking an invisible dog.

Finally, if you are lucky, you might get to see Eddie Money. That is to say, he might be playing at the park’s main stage, or he might be working a funnel cake booth. Both are equally probable.